Why Not Believe?: August 2015

Well, the unthinkable happened. I wasn't worried a bit about the regularly scheduled CT scan but I should have been. I was stunned to see the cancer had returned. It had returned with a vengeance. What wasn't there in February was over 3 cm in June. Golf ball sized in 4 months in liver and growing lesions in lungs. Not good. I spent the first week in a daze, not really wanting to think about it. The Land of Denial is a better place for me than thinking of the worst case scenarios.

Taken with a SelfieStick given to me by dear friends!

Even as I type this... feeling the keyboard beneath my fingers... gives me pause. Are these some of the last days I will have earthly physical sensations surrounding me? Surely not! Fortunately, although experiencing mild side effects from the treatments of Pembro I receive every three weeks, I have not lost my appetite. I still enjoy food, the taste and smells are welcome when I'm hungry. That is one of my greatest blessings. The other greatest blessing is the ability to see the faces of the ones I love, to hear their voices and feel their hugs.

I read cancer survivor blogs and feel assured that the little aches and pains I am feeling are normal and not an indicator of something worse to come. I take each day as it comes. I find comfort in the little things:

First thing I see on my phone every day

The grounding feeling I get as I open the scriptures on my phone every day. The satisfaction of clearing the weeds from the flowerbeds. The luxuriousness of a warm bath or feeling completely pain-free between clean tight sheets. Gentle foot rubs. The smell of homemade rolls and gorgeous fruit from kind visiting teachers and friends. Music that reminds me of good times and keeps me focused on the Savior. Weekends with my sweet husband and catching up with my children. Cards in the mail, texts and phones calls from dear friends, knowing I'm thought of and prayed for and most importantly, not alone. Life is good today... and that's enough.