Our Love

Where do you start when something like this happens? You start by remembering and recording tender mercies that remind you that God has been there all along. The day of my first surgery we were in the pre-op room and three different nurses had tried and not succeeded in putting in an IV line. They gave up and let the surgeon put it in when I was under anesthesia and it wouldn't hurt, or at least I wouldn't feel it. 

When they left, Mike took my hand to comfort me and suddenly there was a soft strain of music floating through the room. Paul Cardall's "Remember Our Love" (click here to listen) inexplicably began playing from his backpack sitting untouched on the floor. It has become our theme song and never fails to pull me back to feeling faith and peace about everything. We planned a trip then and finding it very therapeutic to retreat to regroup, have continued this practice each time we receive disappointing news.

RollerCoaster or Tower of Terror?

When I expressed what a four year roller coaster this journey has been my sweet husband said, "Well, at least it hasn't been a sudden fall and we have had some hopeful ups as well as disappointing downs. I feel very blessed to have been given really good time since your first diagnosis. I don't know any stage four melanoma patients that have lived this long. I think we need to list the "Facts" from the appointment before we start speculating or go off on tangents." So he listed and I made notes:

Facts

The melanoma is growing in multiple places now (I added that it is not threatening any body systems at this time but he didn't consider that a 'fact' because we only scanned my torso and we don't know what is happening in my brain.)

There is no way to stop the melanoma. Side effects of Pembro are too severe. Pembro was good while it lasted but it's usefulness has ended. It will take a significant time to get over the side effects of Pembro.

Over the next year chemotherapy could possibly reduce some suffering but will not extend life expectancy. Chemotherapy has side effects that cause suffering and decreases quality of life. The benefits of chemotherapy do not appear to outweigh the side effects.

Quality of life right now is good and a decision to not proceed with chemotherapy was made today. Recommendations from the doctors were to "live it up" and enjoy the summer, which we plan to do, and we will scan again in August.

This time, as in the two previous bad news appointments, we traveled to Oregon. We headed off that weekend without a sure plan of exactly where we were going but of course, God guided us to a beach house on the Oregon coast where the peaceful waves soothed our raw nerves and restored the peace we needed. My husband is very calm and reassuring, in spite of his own anguish at losing me to such an insidious terminal illness. Being a physician and yet not able to do one thing to prevent this cancer from taking over my body has been devastating for him. 

Someone listening to our conversations would be surprised at our morbid humor but it helps. He started listing all the things I won't have to deal with and with each one we laughed harder and harder, releasing all the pent up stress and anxiety. 

  

"Just think babe, you won't ever get old or wrinkled, er.. more wrinkles! ... You don't need to wear sunscreen!  ... You'll never have another kind of cancer! You were so worried about a slow death from Multiple Sclerosis complications and now you don't have to worry about that! ... No more fear of flying! You'll never be a widow! You'll never have Alzheimers! 

No more Mammograms or Colonoscopies

Joint replacements just aren't in your future. 

Neither are Cataracts or 

Macular Degeneration

Bunions

Toe fungus

...

You don't have to worry about the triple H:

Hyperactive Bladder

Hearing Aids

Heart Attacks

...

You'll never have the four Ds: diabetes, dementia, dentures and depends!

Then I added "You mean the five Ds, you forgot depilatories!"

Then he said, "What are depilatories?" (He actually said "delipatories?" :)

And last of all.... you won't have to worry about the Apocalypse... or another Election, whichever comes first.

Photo Credits: Hannah Beus Van Bibber

He is perfect for me. I don't know what I would do without him. Because I don't know if I'll be here on our 40th anniversary this December, I'm going to just take a minute to sing his praises now. 

I have always been a very fortunate woman and a most blessed wife. He completes me in every way and I love him with all my heart. A blessing I received at 16 years of age was fulfilled when I met and married a "choice young man who would want to care for me all the days of my life." He has demonstrated for 39 and a half years that he WANTS to take care of me. Anything I've ever been interested in or wanted to accomplish he has tried to facilitate. He has always expressed love and gratitude for me and valued my contribution to our family. He has cherished our children and provided everything we could ever need and more. Lately, I've been a very expensive liability to him but he's never once complained, just repeatedly said, "As long as you're alive, I'm happy." Now that our mortal life together will come to an end all too soon, knowing that we will be together eternally means everything.

Babies - just the beginning...

Mike brought these "Alive" vitamins home and asked me to start taking them with my daily handful, haha! So completely focused on extending my life. Love him!

Walking on the soft sand in the shallow waves, feeling led and watched over by God in every step of this cancer journey was comforting. I loved feeling the earthly pleasures of the wind on my face and the sand between my toes. I don't know what comes next but I know that God will "manage the messiness" and as my good friend, Karen Talbot, says, "I will face it with angels on every side. 

What could be better than that?"

Deja Vu

An uneasiness hovered around the edge of my mind as we entered the same room I'd found out the cancer had metastasized, and then 2 years later spread again. Surely the news would be good though! I'd been steadily recovering from the February surgery to remove the tumor in my vertebrae and had been feeling so much stronger. I'd been exercising, doing housework and pulling weeds. Although the numbness and tingling in my hand remained, I could once again use a can opener, turn the car on, curl my hair and write legibly! 

Three strikes and you're out though. My renowned oncologist, Dr. Kenneth Grossman sat down and without beating around the bush said that my scans weren't good. I had a number of "lumps and bumps" showing up and my intestines were in bad shape and needed to be treated immediately before a perforation occurs. 

Pembro infusions, which had been successful two years ago, had no effect on the tumors this time, but quickly wreaked havoc on my weakened intestines. Multiple melanoma tumors are developing everywhere and there isn't any way to stop them. There is no good option from here. Chemotherapy, with its many toxic side effects, was all the doctor could suggest. It could possibly prevent fractures or seizures but it would not extend my life. Compromising quality of life without increasing quantity did not seem a good option and I declined with everyone's understanding. 

The week ended with a prescription back to steroids and a Remicade infusion to help heal my inflamed bowels. Disappointing and discouraging. 

I've been more fortunate than most to benefit from medical advancements in treating an untreatable cancer only a few years ago. We will rescan in August and hope for good news again. Maybe I will fit into a study or a new treatment will become available BUT IF NOT I will continue to do the diligent gospel basics and "submit as a child" (Mosiah 3:19) to whatever my Heavenly Father feels will help me become the best Debbie I can be. I love this talk from Oct 2002 General Conference by Lance B. Wickham "But If Not" found here.)

It is in nurturing humility and submissiveness (see Mosiah 3:19)
 that we may comprehend a fulness of the intended mortal experience and put ourselves in a frame of mind and heart to receive the promptings of the Spirit. Reduced to their essence, humility and submissiveness are an expression of complete willingness to let the “why” questions go unanswered for now, or perhaps even to ask, “Why not?” It is in enduring well to the end that we achieve this life’s purposes. I believe that mortality’s supreme test is to face the “why” and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord’s promise that “all things must come to pass in their time.” 

Love my pilot!

We flew to Oregon following bad news to process and regroup, for the third time, for the fourth of July! Talk about deja vu.... 

Our thoughts in the next post.

Messy Beginnings... God Bless America

http://imgarcade.com/animated-american-flag-with-fireworks.html

Family Photo

"Beginnings are messy." 

My youngest sister, Melissa, said it one day as we were discussing and solving all the world's problems. It struck me with its truth. Birth is just messy, and think about how pretty much any project starts. One person has a vision and making that vision become a reality depends on their ability to convey the desired end result in a way everyone can see it too. When everyone is on the same page you can make progress, but that process is usually not a smooth one. It can be messy when a new family forms, a new business, a new church, or even a new country! 

Messy beginnings made me think of a book I'd just been reading (given to me by one of my best friends, Jane Thurston), "Those Who Love," the story of our country's beginning through the eyes of John and Abigail Adams by Irving Stone. (I love learning from historical biographies.) John had seen a vision of the United States we know today and tried with all the Founding Father's expertise to wrest it forth from the raw remains of the new colonies following the Revolution. It was hard work and very messy! (See Quote 1 below)

We declared our independence in 1776 but ten years later things were not gong well at all. We were independent but what were we? John and Abigail were living in France at the time while John (assigned as America's plenipotentiary minister) tried to borrow funds to establish a viable functioning government in America. "The letters and newspapers from home, accumulated during their absence, told the same disheartening story: in this year of 1786 the United States of America was on the verge of collapse... Independence was one thing, but unity was another." 

The newly born states did not want to relinquish their authority to a central government even though they could see some benefit such as having a common currency. It took 8 years for Thomas Jefferson to convince Congress to adopt the decimal system of currency, something everyone agreed upon! What hope did John Adams have of convincing the states to allow three branches of a Federal Government power over any part of their lives? John said, "I have to prove that only a balanced system of government, with a strong, independent executive, two separate legislative bodies and a judiciary, can keep a republic alive. I must demonstrate from the thousands of years of recorded history that, without a balance of the three powers, governments become tyranny or oligarchies, with human freedoms destroyed". (See Quote 2 below) 

http://wjmi.blogspot.com/2012/04/romance-of-john-and-abigail-adams.html

"Europe would not sign treaties with United States until that country was strong enough to fulfill its agreements; the United States could not resolve its inner struggles until it became an international power." Unable to make any progress, or come home, John was stuck in France for 18 more months. He decided to write a book defending his thoughts on governing and he WAS the leading scholar on that subject. (See Quote 3 below)

With God's help, John was able to lend his considerable knowledge about governance in a way that would never have happened if he had not been far away as the Constitution was being written. He was forced to write his ideas down, explicitly describing the three branches and their absolute necessity for a republic. He had copies printed and sent to the meeting where all were able to clearly understand his thinking and reasoning. (See Quoe 4 below) 

It's so fun to read his and Abigail's reaction when they received the draft and see his hand in it. (See Quote 5) 
The fights in Congress descended into brawls. (See Quote 6)
The quarrels between Jefferson and Hamilton were so public it caused Pres. Washington to declare, "make mutual yieldings" adding "mankind cannot think alike," and advised all officers of the republic to compromise their differences to achieve a common goal. (See Quote 7) 
The founding fathers were "Men Kissed By God" (See Quote 8)

What a miracle our Constitution is and to know that it had to come about the way it did. You can see that America was always in great hands. God was managing the "messiness" of our great country's beginning, creating a place to restore and establish His church upon the earth. We enjoy the blessings of freedom to worship like no other country today! God HAS blessed America and I'm so grateful to live here today. It gives me faith, hope and trust that He can do this for all of us in our individual lives. I am going to allow him to "manage the messiness" of my life and KNOW that it will be for the best. 

Quotes from "Those Who Love" by Irving Stone

1. John had had a vision. He had had it at the time of Concord and Lexington: that one day the United States of America would be a strong, independent, resourceful, flourishing nation, able to take its place as an equal at the international board. It was this vision which had sustained him through his years of discouragement and loneliness, a position which the Congregationalist described as a position of faith.
There was no question in her mind but that John's attitude and her own had a religious base. What they were trying to make of America was a "city that is set on a hill" even as the first settlers tried to create... Americans were to be saints in the same way the members of the congregation we're to be known as saints. America had to come into a state of grace through being a free society of free men: free to think, feel, speak, act, own, regulate for the good of all, a society in which every man would have a chance to grow, and those whose
chances were lesser would be protected rather than exploited by representatives of the people who had been freely elected to serve the nation, and the least of its citizens.
This was as vast as dream as the one which had driven the first Puritans and pilgrims across an unknown ocean to an even more unknown wilderness; and perhaps more difficult to achieve. 

2. Now that England was no longer the enemy, the Continental Congress had become America's adversary, as had the concept of a strong central government which could control the freedom of action of the separate
states. The central government, which all three of these men had served with the highest talents of their heads and hearts, was a shattered, quarreling, debt-ridden group of principalities which not
only feared but frequently despised one another. The states no longer sent their best men to Congress; often the best men refused to go. Certain groups wanted the Congress to wither away so that the few powers the states had given up would revert back to them. The Articles of Confederation, drawn over 18 months of patient exploration and debate, had held the new nation together loosely during the years of
the war; but now they were ignored, abused, reviled. The concept of the affiliation of equal and sovereign states to create a strong nation appeared to be vanishing.

3. John, seeing that he was not going to be able to be effective at his calling as a minister in France and still had 18 months left of his term decided to write a book. Abigail had heard from an associate that Massachusetts was on the verge of Civil War with armed bands to fight the militia. The Congress was in danger of being dissolved or taken over by the largest property owners yet John Adams, 3000 miles away from home, is going to sit and write a book…! He saw the incredulty in her eyes. He crashed down before her, his elbows digging into her thighs while he held her face between his fingers, "Yes a book. A long one. It will take a year or more to write. You were never one to doubt the power of the printed word. It can flash through the air like a mighty scimitar, cutting through tissues of falsehood, evasion, ignorance. ... The Annapolis convention which is meeting right now to consider a uniform system between the states and the commercial regulations simply cannot stop with so simple an objective, not with the whole of America falling in on their heads. Great men will be there, brilliant man, and patriots. They will see that they need to call a greater convention to write a new strong workable Federal Constitution. I will call my book A Defense of the Government of the United States of America. It will be aimed at any other body meeting to write a Federal Constitution. I have to prove that only a balanced system of government, with a strong, independent executive, two separate legislative bodies and a judiciary, can keep a republic alive. I must demonstrate from the thousands of years of recorded history that, without a balance of the three powers, governments become tyranny or oligarchies, with human freedoms destroyed.

4. John's extreme haste and work under pressure proved to have been justified. Mail reaching them from the United States indicated that copies of the book had reached the members of the convention in good time. Additions were immediately printed in Boston, Philadelphia and New York. Although many disagreed with his approval of a limited monarchy and the need for a strong "first magistrate" I had a chief without which the body politic cannot subsist any more than an animal without a head. Most of the delegates read the book carefully. It served as the starting point for discussions of the questions John had wanted raise. He had assured Abigail that his book would be the only comprehensive political survey available to the meeting and so it appeared. While still 3000 miles away, isolated in a useless post, John Adams had been in Philadelphia behind the locked doors of the convention just as surely as though he had but a delegate for Massachusetts.

5. At the beginning of November they received from their faithful correspondent, Elbridge Gerry, a copy of the proposed new constitution. A similar document was addressed to Thomas Jefferson. John Adams forwarded it to him in Paris at once.

As John took the papers out of their packet Abigail gingerly fingered the scant sheets between her thumb and right forefinger, stammering "It can't be a very long? Won't they need more pages to make a full and complete constitution?
"Not necessarily. The shorter and clear the better," said John.

If her years in Braintree had been dominated by loneliness and their time in London had been characterized by frustration now as they sat together at John's desk, John was pale and trembling, Abigail intent. "Here you read the opening," he said.

"Very well," she read in a clear firm voice, "We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America

"Excellent," John cried. "I couldn't have done better myself!"

"All legislative powers herein granted shall be vested in the Congress of the United States, which shall consist of a Senate and a House of Representatives," he seizes the papers, hurriedly leafing through to article 2 then reading in his high pulsating voice, "The executive power shall be there invested in the President of the United States of America. He shall hold his office during the term of four years, and together with the Vice President, chosen for the same term, be elected as follows..." he stopped reading aloud, swiftly swept through the balance of the article, his heavy head bobbing up-and-down with short jerky nods of approval. When he had completed the entire section once, he combined a reading with an analysis for Abigail: The president was to be commander-in-chief of the Army, Navy and the militia; he was to have power, by and with the advice and consent of the Senate," to make treaties, provided two thirds of the senators present concurred; he was to have the power to nominate and appoint judges of the Supreme Court, and all other officers of the United States with the advice and consent of the Senate. He was to have the power to convene both houses, to give Congress information of the state of the union, and recommend to their consideration, such measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient."

There was a moment of silence.

"The convention has written the article as though you have been the chairman of the committee," Abigail said. John clarified, "Not quite," but he was flushed with pleasure. "There's no mention here of the president's right to have executive counselors at the head of each department, who he appoints and who serve him as assistants. Let's see what they've done about the legislature and judiciary. The representatives, as well as direct taxes, would be in proportion among the several states according to their population. This house was to have the power to select it's own speaker and other officers, and have the sole power of impeachment. The Senate on the other hand, was to be composed of two senators from each state chosen by it's local legislators.

"Because the Senate is a new body, the elected vice president is to sit as chairman. The key is to have no vote except in the case of a tie."

"What are the other Vice President's duties?" she said, referring to the document then looked up.

"Nothing that I could find but he if he is well-chosen he will make sure that the deliberations are connected on a higher plane of the proper legislation for that body with proper speed."

They interrupted their study for dinner, then continued, sometimes with sharp cries of pleasure, sometimes with considerable disappointment. For John the great lack of the document was a declaration of rights. There was no mention whatever of the freedom of the press, speech, assembly, or religious choice. 

"It is a grievous error, one that must be remedied immediately."

"Does this mean that you won't approve this constitution?"

"Bless my soul, no! It's better that the states approve it now, and we made the addition of a Declaration of the Bill of Rights later, then send it back into a convention again. The lack will certainly make its passage more difficult but it is a sin of omission, not commission. So far I have not found anything in this constitution that will not work in the best interest of a republic. Look, for example, how well they've done with the article 3- the judicial power of the nine states shall be vested in one Supreme Court and such..."

They could not sleep that night. John kept jumping up to light his reading light by the side of the bed and then to the document, looking for a specific item, checking the wording of a phrase or paragraph. Around two in the morning he began to worry about the powers of the senate. Without looking to see if Abigail were asleep or awake, he declared, "Abigail, giving the Senate the right to approve of the executive's appointments makes the president less independent, cut away from his part to add to his best judgment for the common interest of the country. I think the Senate and assembly should have nothing to do with executive power."

"But isn't this just an architect's drawing?" she reassured him, "They will put the flesh on the skeleton. These problems will work themselves out."

He was out of bed, pacing in his nature, his hands linked behind his back. "I only pray that the states will ratify it in quick order. It seems to be [necessary] start to preserve the union, to increase effective ends to bring us all to the same lot of thinking."

Thomas Jefferson, to John's surprise was fearful that the two houses of Congress would not be adequate to the management ... for all federal affairs. He was also concerned that the president not seem to be  a Polish King. "I wish that at the end of the four years they have made it forever ineligible a second time." They disagreed and the end result was a President could serve 2 terms and no more.


6. Fights in Congress

The Adams lived in the ambience of a brawl in Congress. It started with the seemingly uncontroversial Foreign Intercourse bill to establish a worldwide diplomatic and consular service. In a stormy session representatives spat and hit each other with a cane, picked up a pair of fire tongs and the two men rolled on the floor of the House Chamber. John was aghast.

This is the single worst thing that has yet happened to our federal government. We have had elected councils and legislatures since we founded our first colonies. We fought the British governors, not each other! When we formed this government we worried about the chief executive, never the legislature. The presidency is working. But if we have violence in the legislature, how can we persevere?

You feared that strong political parties would bring this kind of partisan strife. It's growing worse by the day.

Abigail wrote dear sister, I am sick, sick, sick of public life, however enviable it may appear to others, and if the end of creation was not best answered by the most good we can do, I should wish to hide… In the shades of Peacefield, secure from the noise of the world, it's power and ambition. Public service becomes wearisome to all men of talents and to men in years who are worn out by continued opposition and have to give a constant exertions to support order, harmony and peace against ambition, disorder and anarchy. I hope we may be held together, but I know not how long, for oil and water are not more contrary in their natures than north and south.

7. John now VP
John was sworn in as vice President on March 4, 1793. All attacks against him stopped. As leaders of the two parties, Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton became the antagonists, each participant press berating it's "enemy" in the shrillest of terms. The personal quarrels between Secretary of State Jefferson and Secretary of the Treasury Hamilton were based partly on personal animosity, partly on irreconcilable political differences. The raucous intensity of the row was so shattering that President Washington, for whose favori they were vying, declared that their quarrels were disrupting the federal government. He urged them to make mutual yieldings adding "mankind cannot think alike," and advised all officers of the republic to compromise their differences to achieve a common goal.

The government was now divided into two fanatical factions, each determined to destroy the other, apparently unconcerned if the Union fell in the process.

Where before the quarrels had been conducted inside the government known only to Washington, Adams and a portion of Congress, now their mutual recriminations and hatreds were spread across the newspapers for all to read. The major affect was to diminish the stature of the two secretaries as well as deepen the rift between the two parties.

8. Men Kissed By God
John returned to Quincy earlier than she had expected. She sometimes forgot how greatly he thrived on opposition. The truth about John Adams, she decided as she watched him go about the building of another barn and cider house at Peacefield, was that he was indestructible. That magnificent contingent of men with whom he had started a revolution, carrying it through to the creation of a wholly new and novel form of government, have been kissed by God. Otherwise, how could they have accomplished so much in the course of their own generation!