Plan B - When Breath Becomes Air

Family Photo

Family Photo

"LIFE is all about how you handle Plan B"

I saw this sign in a gas station of all places, and was struck immediately by the wisdom in such a short statement. Pretty much everyone I know is living with "Plan B" and handling it with various levels of success. We were delighted to find from my August scans that the tumors are growing very slowly! Another lift before the roller coaster drop! This is a welcome plan B!  

And

"I thought GETTING OLD would take longer" 

...I really did! Even though I'm 60, I feel like I'm actually living the life of an 87 year old woman NOW! "Hmmm, do I really need new shoes or can I make do with the ones I have? Should I plan a vacation for next year?" even "Should I give all my summer clothes to the DI because I probably won't be here next summer and it will help the children if I sort through it now?" 

Family Photo

My sister, Rebecca, brought me this book to read, "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi, because it has some wonderful thoughts about dying. Knowing you are terminal but not knowing how long you have left puts you in an interesting place. The author points out that if he knew he had 5 years he would get a job, if he had 2 years he would write a book but if he only had 1 year he would spend it with family. I have been so greatly blessed to be able to travel to see my children and grandchildren. I have been able to make so many memories I will cherish and hope they will too. 

Now the news that my time is definitely growing shorter has come, one thought from the book has become my favorite. Close to the time of his death, his friends come for one more drink together. He tells his wife that "one more drink together will not change my love for them" and asks her to tell them he is too tired. They then also realize that the time already shared has been enough and leave to celebrate without him, as they should. Life HAS to go on.

It was wonderful to see everyone at our Family Reunion last month and have a feeling of comfort and peace that the time we have spent together has been REALLY GOOD and "enough." There is no desperation to accomplish anything or try to squeeze anything in. What we've already shared together, a whole lifetime of great experiences, has been perfect. One more girls night is not going to make me love them any more. One more hug is not going to change the deep love I already have for them. At this point, I just have a desire to live each day the best I can in all the many roles I play, but most importantly as a daughter of God. Because of Him I know that we WILL be together eternally and this life has allowed us to grow and learn together, making eternity together that much sweeter.

Sending love and gratitude to all,

Debbie

Labor and Delivery Pending

If you've ever had a baby you know what I'm talking about. You're in the last trimester and it suddenly dawns on you, there is no way to turn back and not finish this. You HAVE to deliver this baby, somehow. The blessing is that the closer you get to the due date the more ready you become. Your pain and discomfort become the motivation to go through whatever you have to, to finally bring your baby into the world and have joy!

This analogy came to me as a sort of epiphany: I'm "pregnant" with melanoma. I have tumors growing everywhere and there is NO WAY out of this ending. Right now I'm not in a lot of discomfort, other than the usual aches and pains that come with old age, but the tumors will continue to grow until one affects a necessary body system. The pain and discomfort will bring about the readiness to deliver "myself" into heaven and it will be my turn to enter the Spirit World.

I'm just praying for a short labor...