Vanity or Sanity?

The oncologist called the lump in my neck the equivalent of a canary in a coal mine. Evidence that things were not going well. What was the size of a pea a month ago was now the size of a grape. My right shoulder and arm were hurting the exact same way they were when a tumor had taken over my vertebrae requiring surgery, which I did NOT want to endure again. The increasing pain had caused me to give in to ever increasing pain meds. We knew the scans weren't going to be good and honestly thought we might have reached the point where nothing but pain management was an option. 

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As we had suspected, tumors new and old were growing rapidly. Tumors that were millimeters were now centimeters. Imagine my surprise when the doctor suggested chemotherapy as a way to manage the pain. That didn't make sense to me?

"Why now and not in June?" I asked. 

"Because your tumors were stable in June and you still had good quality of life."

"What if I still don't want to do chemotherapy?"

"Well, the tumors in your liver are going to inhibit your ability to handle the toxins in your blood and you will turn yellow, be out of it, and possibly combative. It's fine for you, because you're out of it, but it's extremely difficult for the caregivers and I would want to put that off as long as possible. Of course, it is your choice but I will insist that you at least do radiation on the tumor on your adrenal gland. That is going to be very painful if you don't do something."

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Now what... 

My sweet husband was not going to insist that I do chemotherapy but he was oh so hopeful that I would at least try. Dr. Grossman had assured me I would only have a few bad days and feel mostly good between the 3 week treatments. 

Don't believe anyone who tells you this.  

One of the things I have been most worried about is scaring my grandchildren with my appearance. Yellow and bald... All I can think is that my new nickname will be "minion..." 

I talked to my niece who had gone through chemotherapy wearing a polar ice cap and was able to keep her hair. She was encouraging and made it seem like a reasonable effort to make. We went to the temple and I felt peace about at least trying. 

We rented the caps and bought 50 pounds of dry ice. https://penguincoldcaps.com We took two large coolers with the four gel caps, the headbands, the velcro straps, the thermometer that allowed us to keep the caps at -22 F, an electric blanket to keep me warm and the leather gloves required to handle the ice. My husband, daughter Kate and sister Megan changed the caps every 20 minutes for the next 12 HOURS! Such selfless angels. I can't even begin to thank them enough. 

My husband, who I believe truly WILL love my yellow and bald head, was especially reluctant about this intense effort to keep my hair. He kept muttering, "Vanity... I'll love you no matter how you look."  I kept countering with, "NOT vanity... it's my SANITY we're talking about here. If I lose my hair, then I lose it and it wasn't meant to be but THANK you for trying with me."

One good thing about having a physician for a husband is they know their way around a medical institution's jargon. One bad thing about having a physician for a husband is the nurses assume you know the same things your husband knows. And you don't. There were things I definitely didn't know when we went home.

I woke up the morning after the chemo feeling fabulous! I cleaned house, did the dishes and washed clothes! I was ready to take on projects! My burst of energy was very short-lived.

My husband had come home early to take care of me and after his first declaration of love and gratitude that I am still here with him, observed that I was having an allergic reaction to the chemo and immediately put me on allergy medication. 

What??? Noooo!!! 

From that point on, I basically slept the days away. Totally exhausted and constantly nauseous, I didn't even leave my room for the next three days. I didn't/couldn't respond to my phone and barely surfaced when family came to visit. My sweet daughter made us dinner and stroked my hair during the LDS Church Devotional while I tried to keep food down.

What do we learn from the experiences life brings us? What we want to take in, I suppose. I wish the world to know of my testimony of the Savior. I have no where else to turn. He is my EVERYTHING. I'm putting ALL my faith and hope in Him. When I feel torn apart by the disaster coming, I cling to the knowledge that the Savior has experienced EVERYTHING I will. For LOVE! He is the light of the world, GIVEN for us!

Yesterday I spent the whole morning listening to one Christmas song after another in praise of this season of Nativity. I wondered what the word "Noel" means? From the earliest known English and French carols using the word it has meant the good news of the nativity! When we sing NOEL we wish the world to know of the good news of the Savior's birth, life, and incomprehensible miracle of the resurrection, literally lifting us ALL from the grave.

Christ, the everlasting Lord will reign forever more. I hope to be in that audience, on my knees, filled with the joy of success in overcoming this earthly trial. I don't know how much longer or how much more I will need to endure, but I say unto you, "NOEL!"

Click here to listen to "Noel" by Lauren Diagle

I have faith and hope and pray for charity that my circle of life may be complete. I pray for all of us that we may find peace in the trust we can have in His Atonement and redeeming love. I say these things, in His name, amen.