Shape Shifting

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Two surgeries followed by two years of chemo (immunotherapy) and the long months of steroids that followed to treat the side effects of immunotherapy have been brutal on this body. 
I was feeling particularly irritated about the shifting shape of my body when I was caught off guard while listening to the words to a song I dearly love and consider my personal life's philosophy.

"Your Song" 

by Jenny Phillips

He put a light inside you, to remind you, you're a part of His plan. 

You may not see, what he's shaping you to be, by the power of His hand... 
He has written beautiful things in your life.
You're a masterpiece in His eyes!

There is a song inside you...
He wrote a melody only you can sing
He's leading you by faith to find your voice
So sing it strong... He's seen it all along
It's YOUR song!

You have His love to guide you. You carry a purpose divine.
He draws you near and the music that you hear
Whispers of your Heavenly design
He has blessed you and given you so many gifts,
You're an instrument for Him.
(repeat chorus)

I guess if the inside is changing I need to accept the outside changing too. I LOVE the way Heavenly Father has shaped my spirit and even though my physical body doesn't "fit" anymore, I humbly accept God's will for me. I trust that He sees his "masterpiece" as it can be in the eternities and am faithfully willing to put my hand in His to continue learning "my" melody.

Chagrinned, I quickly sighed and resigned myself to the trust and peace that have attended me this whole time. My husband, family and friends don't seem to mind that I look like a chipmunk... or an apple on two sticks. Children are notoriously honest and my grandchildren seem to love me no matter what ... so I'm good. And as my sister Raquel said, "At least you can laugh about it!" and yes, I can.

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OH WELL!!!

Gonna wash the dust off my soul, gonna listen to some rock and roll, 

no cares, come what may, I'm makin' a beautiful day...

Gonna drive my car to the sea... 

Swim out far as I believe that waves will wash the grey away. 

I'm makin' a beautiful day!

"Beautiful Day" by Joshua Radin

click here to listen

Our Love

Where do you start when something like this happens? You start by remembering and recording tender mercies that remind you that God has been there all along. The day of my first surgery we were in the pre-op room and three different nurses had tried and not succeeded in putting in an IV line. They gave up and let the surgeon put it in when I was under anesthesia and it wouldn't hurt, or at least I wouldn't feel it. 

When they left, Mike took my hand to comfort me and suddenly there was a soft strain of music floating through the room. Paul Cardall's "Remember Our Love" (click here to listen) inexplicably began playing from his backpack sitting untouched on the floor. It has become our theme song and never fails to pull me back to feeling faith and peace about everything. We planned a trip then and finding it very therapeutic to retreat to regroup, have continued this practice each time we receive disappointing news.

RollerCoaster or Tower of Terror?

When I expressed what a four year roller coaster this journey has been my sweet husband said, "Well, at least it hasn't been a sudden fall and we have had some hopeful ups as well as disappointing downs. I feel very blessed to have been given really good time since your first diagnosis. I don't know any stage four melanoma patients that have lived this long. I think we need to list the "Facts" from the appointment before we start speculating or go off on tangents." So he listed and I made notes:

Facts

The melanoma is growing in multiple places now (I added that it is not threatening any body systems at this time but he didn't consider that a 'fact' because we only scanned my torso and we don't know what is happening in my brain.)

There is no way to stop the melanoma. Side effects of Pembro are too severe. Pembro was good while it lasted but it's usefulness has ended. It will take a significant time to get over the side effects of Pembro.

Over the next year chemotherapy could possibly reduce some suffering but will not extend life expectancy. Chemotherapy has side effects that cause suffering and decreases quality of life. The benefits of chemotherapy do not appear to outweigh the side effects.

Quality of life right now is good and a decision to not proceed with chemotherapy was made today. Recommendations from the doctors were to "live it up" and enjoy the summer, which we plan to do, and we will scan again in August.

This time, as in the two previous bad news appointments, we traveled to Oregon. We headed off that weekend without a sure plan of exactly where we were going but of course, God guided us to a beach house on the Oregon coast where the peaceful waves soothed our raw nerves and restored the peace we needed. My husband is very calm and reassuring, in spite of his own anguish at losing me to such an insidious terminal illness. Being a physician and yet not able to do one thing to prevent this cancer from taking over my body has been devastating for him. 

Someone listening to our conversations would be surprised at our morbid humor but it helps. He started listing all the things I won't have to deal with and with each one we laughed harder and harder, releasing all the pent up stress and anxiety. 

  

"Just think babe, you won't ever get old or wrinkled, er.. more wrinkles! ... You don't need to wear sunscreen!  ... You'll never have another kind of cancer! You were so worried about a slow death from Multiple Sclerosis complications and now you don't have to worry about that! ... No more fear of flying! You'll never be a widow! You'll never have Alzheimers! 

No more Mammograms or Colonoscopies

Joint replacements just aren't in your future. 

Neither are Cataracts or 

Macular Degeneration

Bunions

Toe fungus

...

You don't have to worry about the triple H:

Hyperactive Bladder

Hearing Aids

Heart Attacks

...

You'll never have the four Ds: diabetes, dementia, dentures and depends!

Then I added "You mean the five Ds, you forgot depilatories!"

Then he said, "What are depilatories?" (He actually said "delipatories?" :)

And last of all.... you won't have to worry about the Apocalypse... or another Election, whichever comes first.

Photo Credits: Hannah Beus Van Bibber

He is perfect for me. I don't know what I would do without him. Because I don't know if I'll be here on our 40th anniversary this December, I'm going to just take a minute to sing his praises now. 

I have always been a very fortunate woman and a most blessed wife. He completes me in every way and I love him with all my heart. A blessing I received at 16 years of age was fulfilled when I met and married a "choice young man who would want to care for me all the days of my life." He has demonstrated for 39 and a half years that he WANTS to take care of me. Anything I've ever been interested in or wanted to accomplish he has tried to facilitate. He has always expressed love and gratitude for me and valued my contribution to our family. He has cherished our children and provided everything we could ever need and more. Lately, I've been a very expensive liability to him but he's never once complained, just repeatedly said, "As long as you're alive, I'm happy." Now that our mortal life together will come to an end all too soon, knowing that we will be together eternally means everything.

Babies - just the beginning...

Mike brought these "Alive" vitamins home and asked me to start taking them with my daily handful, haha! So completely focused on extending my life. Love him!

Walking on the soft sand in the shallow waves, feeling led and watched over by God in every step of this cancer journey was comforting. I loved feeling the earthly pleasures of the wind on my face and the sand between my toes. I don't know what comes next but I know that God will "manage the messiness" and as my good friend, Karen Talbot, says, "I will face it with angels on every side. 

What could be better than that?"

TRUST the Gardener - an Open Letter to my Children

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https://vimeo.com/208431172

Dearest Beus Children,

Two years ago your sweet cousin Holly had recently lost the twin baby boys  (see post here)  and came to visit me with an idea. Our conversation was deeply comforting as we felt the tender principle of the eternal nature of family love surrounding us. She wanted to make a video for me of what I felt would be a specific message I would want to leave with my children and grandchildren. 

One of my 'famous' sayings is "The Key to Happiness is not in having what you want, but in WANTING what you have!" I also love the life lessons we can learn from gardening in general! The story of "The Currant Bush" popped into my head as one of the best illustrations of this truth and as I told it to Holly, I think we both saw the possibility of this becoming one of her legendary videos. She took me outside with her camera, eventually brought her extremely artistic and equally talented friend, Tessa, on board and worked her magic! I'm more than grateful she would give us this gift and hope it can help any one feeling hurt or disappointment at life's strange and unexpected twists and turns.

A principle I added to the story is the idea that if you fill your garden with flowers the weeds cannot flourish. Fill your life with all the good things you can and you won't have time for or space for the bad. You will find it's easier to focus your attention and energy on things that bring you joy instead of stress. 

Another principle I added and have found to be true is that The Gardener has a lot of effective tools. I have been the recipient of those tools. He's shoveled and planted me different places, teaching me tolerance and love throughout our moves around the country. Fertilizing goes without saying... I've had my share of it. Now, the pruning part of my life has come as pieces of me get cut off and cut out. Whatever beauty I thought I had once is gone, haha! Like the little currant bush, I'm not tall, elegant or stately. I'm wrinkly and scarred, round and getting rounder- but full of spiritual fruit - fruit that only I could have created and share! I'll take it! Heavenly Father is the one I REALLY want to love me and if He makes me, I can trust that it's going to be totally awesome! Learn to love the fruit that only YOU can create and trust that you will become EXACTLY what the dear Lord wanted you to be. 

I am grateful to have learned very early on not to compare myself to others... especially my worst against their best. In the video, the little currant bush compares itself to others and gets pretty angry at The Gardener but I have to tell you, I haven't felt much anger in my life about Heavenly Father's plan for me. I have been led into paths that brought out my happiness and encouraged a forgiving nature. Left on my own for a bit, I usually forget whatever it was that made me upset and find something to be happy about more closely at hand. It is a gift from God and I acknowledge it as one! One of the best! Now as I face this next period of endurance, I trust this gift to serve me well.

Her talents are well-established in the Vimeo world and I feel it is my great honor and privilege to share Holly' Dustin Richin's latest video production - a gift to our family. 

"Happiness is Wanting What You CAN have."

Please click here to see video and share with someone who might be being pruned to pieces and need some love!

Please enjoy this beautiful masterpiece! Please share it with someone who is in the pruning process. Tell them whatever trial they are facing, the Gardener is in charge and they will turn out EXACTLY how they are meant to be. TRUST the Gardener and everything will work out.

Stones

My most unfavorite thing is kidney stones. I have SUCH sympathy for anyone who deals with them! I've been blessed to live in an age where you can have mulitple lithotripsies to prevent them from killing you off, haha! Everything you hear about them is true... 

In all the bad news my MRIs have brought, I couldn't help but rejoice that my kidney stones were staying the same size and NOT moving! FABULOUS news!

While I was reading Ether 2 in the Book of Mormon the other morning the last couple verses jumped out at me. The brother of Jared and the Lord are having a planning meeting about the courageous voyage they are about to embark on in tiny little dark boats for an extended period of time, submerged in the blackness of the depths of the sea.

The answer..... was STONES! 

The Lord has prepared me for "crossing this great deep... the waves and winds... even a flood" of trials by giving me kidney stones! Who could ever have thought something good could come of that constant unrelenting pain that lasts for hours. That great King of Heaven and Earth, my Lord and Savior, unto whom I completely "commend myself"  knew! (Ether 6:4)

I pray that I will be "found faithful" at my last day. (Ether 4:19)

Keep Paddling

KEEP PADDLING

A series of four framed prints painted by the late Thomas Cole in 1842 entitled "The Voyage of Life" hang in our home. The paintings depict an allegory of the four stages of human life: infancy, youth, manhood, and old age. In these paintings a voyager travels in a canoe on the River of Life.

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He begins his journey in infancy on a calm river with lush green surroundings accompanied by an angel. 

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As a youth, the river bends and turns with adventure and a magnificent castle in the sky. The angel is looking on. 

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As a man, the voyager looks up praying as he helplessly goes through the treacherous rapids with the angel watching from afar. The last painting depicts an old man in a worn and weathered canoe, being led upward toward heavenly light by the guardian angel who has been present since the voyage began.

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Two weeks ago my wife and I paddled with our son and his family through the Boundary Water Lakes of Northern Minnesota. They are pristine and beautiful, just like they have been for eons of time. These lakes border Canada and are numbered in the thousands. In our small canoes we crossed several wilderness lakes and streams, paddling stroke after stroke. At times with the winds in front of us, it seemed that we were going nowhere. When the winds shifted to our sides, waves rocked the little canoes almost to a tipping point. Our grandsons sat trustingly in the center of the boats while we paddled. The journey was exhausting yet wonderful. It was worth it!

Bearskin Lake

In a way, we are all voyagers on the River of Life, paddling one stroke at time, with angels looking on. Faith, hope, trust and gratitude are only a few of the things we experience and rely on as we paddle away. Who can doubt the trust and faith of the young infant born into a family to be loved, fed, clothed, taught and protected. They are an heritage of the Lord and rely on loving parents and others to paddle for them. The youth have hope for bigger and better, energy for exploration and adventure. Those in the middle years of the voyage are sometimes just holding on as they pray to the Lord and trust in Him to make it through life's rough waters. As we near the end of our journey our gratitude unto the Lord swells within us as we come to a realization of how dependent we are on Him.

Alma speaking to his son Helaman said, "O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day" (Alma 36:3).

Nephi tells us, " Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life" (2 Nephi 31:20).

Portaging

Challenges will continue throughout our journey. Our arms may tire as we steadfastly paddle through life's turbulent waters. If we remember to feast upon the word of Christ we will learn His doctrine. It will brighten our hope, replenish our strength and increase our determination to endure. May we 'keep paddling' to the best of our ability and submissively trust in Him whose Atonement is all encompassing.

Michael L. Beus, Farmington North Stake Presidency 

Someone Knows The Answers

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This beautiful photo was the cover of our Sacrament Meeting Program last week. I pondered the intricate workings of the brass carvings as it sat on my lap during the service, enjoying the symmetry in even the smallest of details, except one.

I noticed that the locks were different from each other, requiring different keys to open each side. My inquisitive nature would have loved to know why there were different locks? What could have been the purpose? What would the keys looks like that would open these temple doors? Were they always that way?

Of course I could not think of the answers on my own, no matter how much time I spent contemplating the questions. I could only speculate as long as my creativity would allow me to come up with different answers, and really, that wasn't very long. How much time did I want to spend contemplating locks, keys or doorknobs (beautiful as they are) during a time for sacred renewal of my baptismal covenants?

As is so often the case, my mind settled on the logical response, "Well, someone knows the answers to all those questions and I may never need to know them."

I thought about the broader implication of that phrase... Someone knows the answers to those questions... and all the other questions I have... and a calm, peaceful assurance entered my meditation.

Someone knows the answers to ALL the questions and THAT is all I need to know.

Katie's Mission Theme - Beus Sunset View