Deja Vu

An uneasiness hovered around the edge of my mind as we entered the same room I'd found out the cancer had metastasized, and then 2 years later spread again. Surely the news would be good though! I'd been steadily recovering from the February surgery to remove the tumor in my vertebrae and had been feeling so much stronger. I'd been exercising, doing housework and pulling weeds. Although the numbness and tingling in my hand remained, I could once again use a can opener, turn the car on, curl my hair and write legibly! 

Three strikes and you're out though. My renowned oncologist, Dr. Kenneth Grossman sat down and without beating around the bush said that my scans weren't good. I had a number of "lumps and bumps" showing up and my intestines were in bad shape and needed to be treated immediately before a perforation occurs. 

Pembro infusions, which had been successful two years ago, had no effect on the tumors this time, but quickly wreaked havoc on my weakened intestines. Multiple melanoma tumors are developing everywhere and there isn't any way to stop them. There is no good option from here. Chemotherapy, with its many toxic side effects, was all the doctor could suggest. It could possibly prevent fractures or seizures but it would not extend my life. Compromising quality of life without increasing quantity did not seem a good option and I declined with everyone's understanding. 

The week ended with a prescription back to steroids and a Remicade infusion to help heal my inflamed bowels. Disappointing and discouraging. 

I've been more fortunate than most to benefit from medical advancements in treating an untreatable cancer only a few years ago. We will rescan in August and hope for good news again. Maybe I will fit into a study or a new treatment will become available BUT IF NOT I will continue to do the diligent gospel basics and "submit as a child" (Mosiah 3:19) to whatever my Heavenly Father feels will help me become the best Debbie I can be. I love this talk from Oct 2002 General Conference by Lance B. Wickham "But If Not" found here.)

It is in nurturing humility and submissiveness (see Mosiah 3:19)
 that we may comprehend a fulness of the intended mortal experience and put ourselves in a frame of mind and heart to receive the promptings of the Spirit. Reduced to their essence, humility and submissiveness are an expression of complete willingness to let the “why” questions go unanswered for now, or perhaps even to ask, “Why not?” It is in enduring well to the end that we achieve this life’s purposes. I believe that mortality’s supreme test is to face the “why” and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord’s promise that “all things must come to pass in their time.” 

Love my pilot!

We flew to Oregon following bad news to process and regroup, for the third time, for the fourth of July! Talk about deja vu.... 

Our thoughts in the next post.

Doing Good

Sister Fisher and Deem

Reading melanoma survivor blogs today... surprisingly few to read... or maybe not surprisingly if you consider the eventual outcome of every stage 4 melanoma patient. So... sometimes I really appreciate having an obvious direct experience to show I still have purpose and I want to share it. 

THREE YEAR melanoma survivor from first diagnosis. Two surgeries and 10 months of immunothrapy later I am a ONE year survivor of stage 4 metastatic melanoma. At this point in time I am relying only my own immune system to find and attack melanoma. I am taking steroids to halt the side effects from the immunotherapy for another three weeks and enjoying feeling pretty good.

Jesus went about doing good. 

(Acts 10:38)

I had been out and about for hours, running through a list of errands with one after another unavoidable delay. I was tired and anxious to get home as I drove down Main Street just before 9 pm one night last week. The sight of two girls striding purposefully down the sidewalk in the growing dusk caught my eyes. I recognized the sister missionaries, still miles from their home and debated for just a second whether to stop and offer them a ride. 

Guilt raced through my heart, "Girl, you pray for opportunities to serve every day, don't you dare miss this one." I turned the car around, leaning my head out the window to see if they wanted a ride home. Sister Friendly called out, "Oh YES! We were JUST praying someone would stop and offer us a ride!"

It felt SO GOOD to know that through those seemingly frustrating delays, Heavenly Father had placed me right where I could help serve his precious missionaries. I was SO GLAD that I stopped to help them and have the opportunity to tell them how miraculous it was that I was led right to them in their moment of need. I was grateful I could bear testimony that Heavenly Father was aware of their needs. It feels GREAT to be the answer to someone's prayers!

I have no idea how long I will feel good when the steroid treatment is over or how long it will be before melanoma spreads again. I just don't know SO MANY THINGS! But I do know that Heavenly Father is aware of all of us and directing our lives in a way that we can learn all we need to learn and become worthy to live with Him forever. I pray that anything I need to endure I will be able to endure with dignity and courage and continue "doing good."

Hope

Bucket List: Ring the "treatment finished gong" at Huntsman Cancer Center. Check. 

Family Photo

Family Photo

New chapter begins this week! No more Pembro - lost too much weight to keep taking it. Just prayers and scans every six weeks now.

And hope... Lots of hope. 

While I was getting my last infusion, looking out the wall of windows at the beautiful view, a cute old man came by to see if we wanted or needed anything. We asked what brought him to Huntsman today? He smiled sweetly and humbly said, "Well, I was the architect. When we met with Jon and Karen to get their ideas they said only one thing: We want everything about our center to bring about hope. (He paused and smiled again.) My daughter had bone marrow cancer and was one of the first patients here. She helped me design this infusion center."
       I was almost afraid to ask, "Is she doing okay now?" 
He smiled and said, "No, that is why I like to come here. It makes me feel close to her."

(Hope Photo by Debbie Beus)

Easter Miracles

Family Photo

I was looking forward to seeing my oldest child's family and his newest addition, an adorable blonde, blue-eyed baby boy. I was reminded what a miracle the whole birth process is as he gently placed the tiny, helpless newborn in my arms. He was everything a Nana could ever want in a new grandchild! SOOOO CUTE! I was in heaven! EARTHLY HEAVEN not the actual “Heaven” heaven...

When they announced they were expecting we had just found out the melanoma was metastasizing aggressively. I wondered if I'd still be here when the baby was born. I wondered that if I were alive... what kind of life would it be? Well, the incredible news is that I am alive and thriving and actually feeling good most of the time. I am so grateful! Such a blessing and miracle!

Family Photo

I can say that now! I am a medical miracle! My cancer came back 9 months after approval of the newest type of treatment for melanoma: immunotherapy using a drug called Keytrudah (Pembro). They use my own immune system to find and attack metastatic growths and it's working! Some patients have their tumors disappear within months while just over half of the cancer patients don't see any response at all. My tumors are not disappearing... or even shrinking... but they seem to be non-reactive at this point which means I'm on the winning team, the original tumors are not growing and there are no new growths!

Family Photo

I didn't buy winter boots because I wasn't sure I would last through the season. I didn't buy new clothes unless they were “hospital comfy.” I used to wonder if I'd even use up a newly opened bar of soap! I didn't buy new prescription glasses because... why? 

And so on....

Easter Lily - Family Photo

I find myself thinking about what I would like to do with this extra time. One thing I want to do is bear my testimony of the miracle of the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ and tell everyone it is here on the earth... right now! I want to tell everyone how wonderful the Book of Mormon is and how it can change your life when you understand that Jesus Christ really came to visit this continent after His resurrection. I want to tell everyone that there is a plan for them to live eternally with loved ones and that the relationships we enjoy here can exist in heaven. We can have Heaven... now AND forever. 

I trust in His redeeming grace to save us all from death and sin if we will COME UNTO HIM with full purpose of heart and allow Him to do what He has always wanted and already laid the plans for. His resurrection paved the way for ALL of us.

He lives... He lives... He lives! With all my heart I know this! And you can know it too.

Instagram: LDSWomen

The Unthinkable

Well, the unthinkable happened. I wasn't worried a bit about the regularly scheduled CT scan but I should have been. I was stunned to see the cancer had returned. It had returned with a vengeance. What wasn't there in February was over 3 cm in June. Golf ball sized in 4 months in liver and growing lesions in lungs. Not good. I spent the first week in a daze, not really wanting to think about it. The Land of Denial is a better place for me than thinking of the worst case scenarios.

Taken with a SelfieStick given to me by dear friends!

Even as I type this... feeling the keyboard beneath my fingers... gives me pause. Are these some of the last days I will have earthly physical sensations surrounding me? Surely not! Fortunately, although  experiencing mild side effects from the treatments of Pembro I receive every three weeks, I have not lost my appetite. I still enjoy food, the taste and smells are welcome when I'm hungry. That is one of my greatest blessings. The other greatest blessing is the ability to see the faces of the ones I love, to hear their voices and feel their hugs.

I read cancer survivor blogs and feel assured that the little aches and pains I am feeling are normal and not an indicator of something worse to come. I take each day as it comes. I find comfort in the little things:

First thing I see on my phone every day

The grounding feeling I get as I open the scriptures on my phone every day. The satisfaction of clearing the weeds from the flowerbeds. The luxuriousness of a warm bath or feeling completely pain-free between clean tight sheets. Gentle foot rubs. The smell of homemade rolls and gorgeous fruit from kind visiting teachers and friends. Music that reminds me of good times and keeps me focused on the Savior. Weekends with my sweet husband and catching up with my children. Cards in the mail, texts and phones calls from dear friends, knowing I'm thought of and prayed for and most importantly, not alone. Life is good today... and that's enough.

Manti Temple Flower Beds

Chocolate Chip Cookies from my Visiting Teacher

Incredibly Good Bran Muffins - @lgmissmuffin

Grilled by my son-in-law

THE FINAL WORD IS

I SO TOTALLY DO TRUST IN THE LORD!

Being in His hands is "my happy place."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfosSggwQS0

Click here to listen to "Live Like That" by Sidewalk Prophets