Staying in the Process

From the Flower Fairies

So many blessings in one week! I am OVERWHELMED at the support and strength, courage and hope, the Lord is sending me right now. I want to thank Him for increasing my faith in Him. There just is no doubt He is there watching and working His ways in the smallest of details of our lives. Some blessings are so obvious such as the ones I'm going to write about now, but some come in fleeting instances that we may not notice at all unless we are paying attention.

Recently we were blessed to have dinner with our friends that call themselves "The Flower Fairies" because they keep me supplied with boldly, colorful bouquets. Ilene told us about her daughter's recent spiritual answer to an incredibly difficult life situation she finds herself in. Should she stay or should she go?

The answer was to, "Stay in the Process." What an interesting turn of phrase that came highlighted in my mind.

Stay in the process.

This last transition in my life could be termed a process and I could choose to "stay in the process" and continue living each day with patience and peace. Her church leader said to "squeeze every sanctifying, purifying thing you can out of what you are going through." Her words went straight to my heart. Obviously, I am still here for a reason. I'm supposed to be here! And I would be so wise to follow this incredible advice.

Family Photo

I woke up one day to a HUGE sign in my yard saying "HAPPY WEDNESDAY DEBBIE" in another kind of bouquet of bold, colorful letters. Our dear friends Scott and Kathi Stanford had arranged this uplifting message for us to find. It is so fitting. This is what we do. We take life one day at a time... sometimes one hour at a time. Make it a happy Wednesday, Debbie. Choose to.

Chris and Caylee Riding

This week I received another incredible blessing that caused the tears to flow and flow and flow. For an hour I could not stop crying after watching a video my adorable nephew Chris Riding made for me. He emailed his cousins and asked them to record what they loved about me and send it to him as soon as possible. He combined them all in a tribute that I will treasure forever! Hearing compliments that I don't deserve but would sincerely desire to live up to gave me a reason to aspire to be the daughter of God they describe.

Family Photo

My sweet husband brought me this beautiful bouquet of sunflowers after a hike in the hills behind our home. Did you know that sunflower blossoms keep their faces toward the sun the whole day? Morning until night they hold their focus. We always think of the "S O N" when we see them and I knew exactly what he meant by gathering this beautiful bunch. And I love him for it. I want to keep my face toward the Son of God the WHOLE DAY! I want people to see His light reflected in my countenance. I pray blessings on all the people who make my life so very, very good.
Endless blessings....

Find Rest

Today I just want to thank my Heavenly Father for the amazing body He's given me to travel through mortality with! It's incredible! Tumors the size of ping pong balls growing in my neck, left arm and leg are clearly visible. They don't bother me as much as my right hand, swollen with edema and constantly tingling with neuropathy does. Although the latest scans show multiple tumors, ranging in size from peas to plums throughout my organs and soft tissue, the King of causing pain is the throbbing tumor in my right hip. Mercifully, the doctor is able to mitigate the pain and help me "find rest" with stronger meds.  Assuring me there is no limit to how high we can go, he confesses that he is shocked and surprised that I am still mentally clear thinking and coherent at the present dosage. Fortunately, I can still care for my physical needs, allowing me to having hospice at home and be cared for by my sisters and children. I'm also grateful for wheelchairs and walkers and drivers as I navigate the world of disabilities. I've learned that everyone is so kind.

In spite of my body's amazing ability to recover and adapt to pain, the laws of nature irrevocably decree that some day I will finally slip through death's door and this trial will end.  Most will say, "Oh, I'm so happy for her!" and some will even say, "Well, it's about time!" ...but I can tell you that NO ONE will feel more grateful that the roller coaster of suffering is over than I will. I'm so grateful for the knowledge that even though my spirit and body will be separated for a time, because of Jesus Christ and the Atonement, they will be reunited in a celestial, immortal being that I will consider the biggest blessing and miracle of all. 

My prayers are full of gratitude for the wonderful time I've had with family and friends. Last President's Day we were ALL here and had the opportunity to take a complete (for now, March 2018) family picture.

I ask for heaven's blessings for all those who pray for me and those who are struggling with problems and those who lead the nations and those who lead our church and those who lead children. I NEVER pray that my life will be extended and yet still... here I am?!?! Another Easter celebrated with family! Sing Hallelujah! I love this version by Kenneth Cope...

 Click here to listen to Hallelujah by Kenneth Cope

When I'm SO tired of riding this roller coaster 
I like to listen to Find Rest

Put your HOPE in God.

Click here to listen to "Find Rest" by Francesca Battistelli"

Francesca Battistelli


Find Rest Lyrics

He never sleeps, He never slumbers
He's been awake at every hour
No tear catches Him by surprise
He's never lost, He never runs out
He never lives in the shadows of doubt
No fear catches Him by surprise

[Chorus:]
Find rest my soul
Put your hope in God
Put your hope, put your hope in God

He always is, He always will be
He always has been everything I need
How can this be catching me by surprise
He's ever strong, He's ever faithful
His love is real, now nothing is impossible
'Cause nothing catches Him by surprise

[Chorus]

I close my eyes, and I can see
The arms of mercy holding me
I close my eyes, and I can see
The arms of Jesus holding me

[Chorus]

Put your hope in God
Put your hope in God

Be Still

0ne of my favorite fall traditions is going to visit my Minnesota grandchildren over Halloween. This year my only granddaughter came to visit and join in the fun with her four cousins! I took my two beloved four year olds out to play in the backyard forest, surrounded by all you would ever want in the way of fall color. The bright green maple leaves had changed to the most welcome of reds and yellows as the temperatures dropped, but today was the perfect temperature between summer and winter. We were having a blast with three rakes, trying not to hit each other with our vigorous strokes. "I can make a BIG pile now because I am FOUR years old!"

We made a pile big enough for them to take turns running and jumping in the most interesting and unique ways they could think of: "This is my Ninja run!" "This is MY Ninja run!" I took many minutes of hilarious videos to enjoy later when I'm at home and only the memories remain.

"Bury us in the leaves, Nana," they cried! I delighted in their adorable faces framed by picture perfect fall leaves. I gently put a leaf on each of their foreheads and told them to "be still" while I took a picture. It tickled and they thought it was the most hysterical thing to sit there trying not to move. The leaves were SO inviting I had them cover me up as well. Childhood memories flooded in as I smelled the crunchy leaves and peered up at the sky through the leaf mosaic. I took a mental picture of the moment and thought about the words, "Be still." The phrase came into my mind with this scripture I read recently:

Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed and be still. Offer the sacrifices of righteousness and put your trust in the Lord. 

Psalms 4:4-5 

This is all I can do. I am in awe of the election outcome. I am hopeful for the country and trust that our prayers are reaching the ears of the Lord. I am hopeful for greater understanding between family and friends, cities and towns, and state to states.
I do not know the future nor can I change it, but I'm physically doing really well without any medications at all, truly a medical and spiritual miracle. I don't know how many more Halloweens I will have. Maybe a lot! But for now, I will "be still" and with the Spirit's help, commune with my own heart. I will continue to trust in God as the light draws me forward, offering the sacrifices of righteousness, as best I can to my understanding. 
It's really just a little thing, but over time it has become a big thing. Each month that I still live and breathe increases my trust in God and the reasons I am finding to make my life meaningful. I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and Brother as companions throughout my life. I hope my heart can "commune" the love and gratitude I feel for them and convey their love to others. I'm praying this for all of us. Why not believe? 

Elder David Bednar -Personal Revelation -click here to view

"To the degree that we reject Him or His teachings we are on our own."

Doing Good

Sister Fisher and Deem

Reading melanoma survivor blogs today... surprisingly few to read... or maybe not surprisingly if you consider the eventual outcome of every stage 4 melanoma patient. So... sometimes I really appreciate having an obvious direct experience to show I still have purpose and I want to share it. 

THREE YEAR melanoma survivor from first diagnosis. Two surgeries and 10 months of immunothrapy later I am a ONE year survivor of stage 4 metastatic melanoma. At this point in time I am relying only my own immune system to find and attack melanoma. I am taking steroids to halt the side effects from the immunotherapy for another three weeks and enjoying feeling pretty good.

Jesus went about doing good. 

(Acts 10:38)

I had been out and about for hours, running through a list of errands with one after another unavoidable delay. I was tired and anxious to get home as I drove down Main Street just before 9 pm one night last week. The sight of two girls striding purposefully down the sidewalk in the growing dusk caught my eyes. I recognized the sister missionaries, still miles from their home and debated for just a second whether to stop and offer them a ride. 

Guilt raced through my heart, "Girl, you pray for opportunities to serve every day, don't you dare miss this one." I turned the car around, leaning my head out the window to see if they wanted a ride home. Sister Friendly called out, "Oh YES! We were JUST praying someone would stop and offer us a ride!"

It felt SO GOOD to know that through those seemingly frustrating delays, Heavenly Father had placed me right where I could help serve his precious missionaries. I was SO GLAD that I stopped to help them and have the opportunity to tell them how miraculous it was that I was led right to them in their moment of need. I was grateful I could bear testimony that Heavenly Father was aware of their needs. It feels GREAT to be the answer to someone's prayers!

I have no idea how long I will feel good when the steroid treatment is over or how long it will be before melanoma spreads again. I just don't know SO MANY THINGS! But I do know that Heavenly Father is aware of all of us and directing our lives in a way that we can learn all we need to learn and become worthy to live with Him forever. I pray that anything I need to endure I will be able to endure with dignity and courage and continue "doing good."

Hope

Bucket List: Ring the "treatment finished gong" at Huntsman Cancer Center. Check. 

Family Photo

Family Photo

New chapter begins this week! No more Pembro - lost too much weight to keep taking it. Just prayers and scans every six weeks now.

And hope... Lots of hope. 

While I was getting my last infusion, looking out the wall of windows at the beautiful view, a cute old man came by to see if we wanted or needed anything. We asked what brought him to Huntsman today? He smiled sweetly and humbly said, "Well, I was the architect. When we met with Jon and Karen to get their ideas they said only one thing: We want everything about our center to bring about hope. (He paused and smiled again.) My daughter had bone marrow cancer and was one of the first patients here. She helped me design this infusion center."
       I was almost afraid to ask, "Is she doing okay now?" 
He smiled and said, "No, that is why I like to come here. It makes me feel close to her."

(Hope Photo by Debbie Beus)

Heavenly Messengers

My beautiful friend, Valerie. The light that shines in her face is fueled by a testimony born of fire and the spirit. Seven years ago she experienced what every parent fears most: the death of a child, from an accident no one could have foreseen or prevented. She and her wonderful husband were examples of love and spiritual strength throughout the whole process. She comforted those who came to comfort her, no matter the hour or situation. To this day, she doesn't claim any special powers or strength but she knows where to find it.

One snowy day, following my diagnosis of melanoma, my feet took me to her door. I hadn't planned on seeing her and yet there I was. Of course, she dropped everything and asked if she could walk home with me. As we walked and talked about life's unexpected challenges, and how we deal with the pain of the mourning that follows loss, she said many reassuring things. One was this quote by Joseph F. Smith.

"When messengers are sent to minister to the inhabitants of this earth, they are...our fathers and mothers, brothers, sisters, (children), and friends who have passed away from earth, having been faithful, and worthy to enjoy their gifts and privileges, may have a mission given them to visit their relatives and friends upon the earth again, bringing from the divine Presence messages of love, of warning, of reproof and instruction to those whom they had learned to love in the flesh." 

-Joseph F. Smith. 
 Journal of Discourses/ Volume 22 





It was this quote, her incredible depth and the sure knowledge that her son is never far away, that prompted this response to a friend of hers who had also lost a child, aptly comparing it to having a constant hole in the floor of your house you need to navigate around.

"I understand the hole that you feel in your family and your home. I think of our son every day and sometimes those thoughts are hard and unbearable but most of the time the memories are amazing and wonderful. I like to think of this "hole" as a hole in the ceiling where I can choose to stand under and bask in Scott's sunshine. I want to stand under the "hole" in my ceiling and look up and thank God for the 15 years that he shared Scott with us. Because of the great things you have done in your daughter's honor I'm sure that you understand that while I wish that this hole had never been ripped into my ceiling I also hope it never goes away or is covered. Like you, I am trying to live in the joy of his life rather than the grief of his death."

I LOVE it! She's amazing! I'm so grateful for her and many other friends and family members that serve as "heavenly messengers" for me as I travel through this earthly life. God truly does show His constant love and awareness of us through others. I feel so blessed!

          Click here to hear "You've Been With Me All This Time" by Britt Nicole

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HmTGLdSW5Sw

Found this cute presentation of a great thought that fits here.