Live It To Share It

Elder Robert D. Hales - a Tribute

“We can share the gospel only to the extent we live it.”

This quote embodies my whole desire in writing this blog. That I can express my testimony as I live it, now with a terminal illness as the driving force, it is very compelling to share the beliefs that ground me and lift me at the same time. 

This is a family photo of me with Steven C. Hales on Halloween in 1958. I was a tiger and he was a ghost. We didn't like our masks. 

Our parents were close friends before we were born, getting their college education at the University of Utah in Salt Lake City and later living near each other in Boston as they furthered their professional careers through additional education. 

Photo: lds.org

Even though the above photo is the only memory I have of being together Boston, we became friends through the years of their many moves around the world because of the effort they made to stop and visit us whenever they came through Utah.

Family Photo

I remember Steve bringing his brother, David, and friend, George, to ski with us and how well he handled the steep slopes here in Utah. Because he had lived all over the world, I was always grateful to hear his perspective from the "mission field" and it helped my testimony grow as we shared time together at BYU. 

One of those trips to Utah was because his father had been called to the First Quorum of the Seventy, then Presiding Bishop of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and then later as an Apostle, serving in the Quorum of the Twelve. I'm so grateful that God has placed those kind of friends in my life and when Mike and I were trying to decide where to practice medicine, my parents happened to be getting together with the Hales and we heard some great advice, which later became Elder Hales's conference address, "Making Decisions at the Crossroads of Life" given in October of 1988. Click here to read full address

His wife, Mary, is the perfect example of a righteous woman in every way. One time someone asked her, "What is it like to be married to an apostle?" Her reassuring and encouraging answer has stayed with me, "Well, he wasn't an apostle when I married him."

He continued to give us good advice as I navigated those early parenting years. This is an excerpt from a favorite talk of his:

"I join with faithful parents everywhere in declaring that we know who we are, we understand our responsibilities as parents, and we do not fear the wrath of the prince of darkness. We trust in the light of the Lord.

Like Jochebed, (Moses's mother) we raise our families in a wicked and hostile world—a world as dangerous as the courts of Egypt ruled by Pharaoh. But, like Jochebed, we also weave around our children a protective basket—a vessel called “the family”—and guide them to safe places where our teachings can be reinforced in the home and at church.

Ultimately, we guide them to the greatest of all houses of learning—the holy temple, where one day they can kneel, surrounded by their faithful family members, to be sealed for time and all eternity to a worthy companion. What they learned from us, they will teach their children, and the work of eternal families will go on.

Along the way, at times when our children are away from us, the Lord provides inspired “Miriams” to watch over them—special third-party helpers such as priesthood and auxiliary leaders, teachers, extended family, and worthy friends. Sometimes the Spirit prompts us as parents to seek special help beyond ourselves through such resources as doctors and qualified counselors. The Spirit will direct when and how such help should be obtained.

But the greatest help for our families comes through the gospel—from our Heavenly Father, through the guidance of the Holy Ghost, in the doctrines and principles, and through the priesthood.
To read the whole talk click here.

When my Dad passed away in April of 2009, Elder Hales spoke at his funeral about families and the eternal love we can share with them and our friends. Such a comforting doctrine as I face this time of separation from them. 

He reminded us of the promises in Alma 40-42, that the Resurrection will restore our bodies to their perfect state. That is good for me to remember every time I look in the mirror, too. ;)










It was a bittersweet moment when I walked into Seminary and saw his picture missing from the wall of apostles. His wisdom had been a guide for so many years and I enjoyed reading his quotes and talks again. He faced painful health challenges that caused him to express this great thought.

"I learned that constant, intense pain is a great consecrating purifier that humbles us and draws us closer to God’s Spirit.”³³













In spite of having cancer for four years, it has just been since February that I have faced constant, intense pain-- taking all your focus to what you can do to get through the next hour, or minute sometimes. I loved reading that quote from him then realizing that the Savior knows what it feels like too, and can comfort me in the ways that I need.

The week Elder Hales passed away, we took four of our children through the Latter Day Saint temple on Oahu, Hawaii where the flag was flown at half mast to honor him and the marvelous life he led. I will always remember coming home from that joyous experience and then watching his funeral, filled with gratitude that he had been such a big part of my spiritual growth and maturation. 

See the beautiful tribute the church made for him at this link:

Remembering the life of Robert D. Hales

"This is the call of Christ to every Christian today: 'Feed my lambs... Feed my sheep' - share my gospel with young and old, lifting, blessing, comforting, encouraging, and building them, especially those who think and believe differently than we do," he taught.
Regarding those who "want us to come down off the high ground and join them in a theological scrum in the mud," Elder Hales counseled Latter-day Saints to respond with their testimonies and to stand with the Savior.
"We show forth His love, which is the only power that can subdue the adversary and answer our accusers without accusing them in return. That is not weakness. That is Christian courage."

Just as the Savior was "despised and rejected of men" (Isaiah 53:3; Mosiah 14:3), Latter-day Saints may also experience misunderstanding, criticism, and false accusation. "It is our sacred privilege to stand with Him!"

Another excerpt I love on the topic of "prayer" by Elder Hales:

Though we may not know when or how our prayers will be answered, Elder Hales testified, answers will come in the Lord’s own way and according to His timetable. “For some answers we may have to wait until the hereafter. . . . Let us not give up on the Lord. His blessings are eternal, not temporary.”³⁶


"In my life I have learned that sometimes I do not receive an answer to a prayer because the Lord knows I am not ready. When he does answer it, it is often "here a little and there a little" because that is all I can bear or all I am willing to do. Too often we pray for patience, but we want it right now."

Moses counseled, “And thou shalt teach [these words] diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.”8 Our families should be in our thoughts continually.

I bear my special witness that Jesus Christ gave His life, making possible the salvation and exaltation of all the families of the earth. With all the feeling of a tender parent, I express my love and the love of our Heavenly Father to you and your family.

This is a good reminder for me at this point in my life as I face yet another challenge. Chemotherapy, with all its undesirable side effects, is my only option to slow the growth and relieve pain. I need to "know whether to fight, flee, or go with the flow of my unfolding circumstances."




I'm posting some of my favorite quotes from Elder Hales I found on Instagram. Each a gem of wisdom that has meaning for me as I navigate this cancer journey.

And last but not least... his final words that inspire me to have faith that I may stand in His presence in some not very far off day.

Plan B - When Breath Becomes Air

Family Photo

Family Photo

"LIFE is all about how you handle Plan B"

I saw this sign in a gas station of all places, and was struck immediately by the wisdom in such a short statement. Pretty much everyone I know is living with "Plan B" and handling it with various levels of success. We were delighted to find from my August scans that the tumors are growing very slowly! Another lift before the roller coaster drop! This is a welcome plan B!  

And

"I thought GETTING OLD would take longer" 

...I really did! Even though I'm 60, I feel like I'm actually living the life of an 87 year old woman NOW! "Hmmm, do I really need new shoes or can I make do with the ones I have? Should I plan a vacation for next year?" even "Should I give all my summer clothes to the DI because I probably won't be here next summer and it will help the children if I sort through it now?" 

Family Photo

My sister, Rebecca, brought me this book to read, "When Breath Becomes Air" by Paul Kalanithi, because it has some wonderful thoughts about dying. Knowing you are terminal but not knowing how long you have left puts you in an interesting place. The author points out that if he knew he had 5 years he would get a job, if he had 2 years he would write a book but if he only had 1 year he would spend it with family. I have been so greatly blessed to be able to travel to see my children and grandchildren. I have been able to make so many memories I will cherish and hope they will too. 

Now the news that my time is definitely growing shorter has come, one thought from the book has become my favorite. Close to the time of his death, his friends come for one more drink together. He tells his wife that "one more drink together will not change my love for them" and asks her to tell them he is too tired. They then also realize that the time already shared has been enough and leave to celebrate without him, as they should. Life HAS to go on.

It was wonderful to see everyone at our Family Reunion last month and have a feeling of comfort and peace that the time we have spent together has been REALLY GOOD and "enough." There is no desperation to accomplish anything or try to squeeze anything in. What we've already shared together, a whole lifetime of great experiences, has been perfect. One more girls night is not going to make me love them any more. One more hug is not going to change the deep love I already have for them. At this point, I just have a desire to live each day the best I can in all the many roles I play, but most importantly as a daughter of God. Because of Him I know that we WILL be together eternally and this life has allowed us to grow and learn together, making eternity together that much sweeter.

Sending love and gratitude to all,

Debbie

Labor and Delivery Pending

If you've ever had a baby you know what I'm talking about. You're in the last trimester and it suddenly dawns on you, there is no way to turn back and not finish this. You HAVE to deliver this baby, somehow. The blessing is that the closer you get to the due date the more ready you become. Your pain and discomfort become the motivation to go through whatever you have to, to finally bring your baby into the world and have joy!

This analogy came to me as a sort of epiphany: I'm "pregnant" with melanoma. I have tumors growing everywhere and there is NO WAY out of this ending. Right now I'm not in a lot of discomfort, other than the usual aches and pains that come with old age, but the tumors will continue to grow until one affects a necessary body system. The pain and discomfort will bring about the readiness to deliver "myself" into heaven and it will be my turn to enter the Spirit World.

I'm just praying for a short labor...

Grand Thoughts

I have a dear friend, Lauri Pratt, who always calls her grandkids "The Grands" and I've picked it up. It's the perfect word! It's always grand to spend time with these grand little people! 

A couple months ago I was able to go on a bike ride with my wonderful 10 year old grandson. Cruising along under a gorgeous canopy of spring green trees, he graciously kept pace with his slow-cycling Nana as we chatted about life.

He has known of my cancer since he was 7 and has prayed for me many times. The setting was inspiring and peaceful and I loved having him all to myself. We talked of school and sports until he sweetly asked, "So Nana, are you all better now?"

How do you answer that? Many options jumped into my mind... but I took the easy way out:

"Yes, I feel great today! It's been wonderful to be able to do all the fun things we've done this weekend. I'm so grateful for all your prayers and all the family's prayers. I feel 100% as good as I can feel!"

Then I felt guilty for glossing over the unknown future and said, "But I also know that sometimes things don't happen the way we'd like them to and I want to be happy with whatever Heavenly Father has in store for me. If I have cancer because I'm going to learn something important for me to learn then I want to have courage and be strong - strong enough to learn what I am supposed to learn. If God is trying to teach me patience or tolerance or to endure to the end.... then I want to learn those qualities and become a better person. I wouldn't tell God PLEASE don't teach me patience or tolerance! I would just pray to be able to learn quickly, haha!"

He kind of chuckled and nodded his head. I'm not sure he really understood but it was so grand to have a chance to express my thoughts to him. And if he faces something difficult someday, which is highly likely, for all of us, I hope he thinks of our conversation and finds the courage to learn what he's supposed to learn.

Questions

Asking questions of my Heavenly Father, or "engaging in the wrestle" as Sheri Dew describes here, has brought me considerable personal growth... to the point where I have advised many to "Be careful what you ask for," but it has also brought me to the peaceful place I have reached now as I face a terminal illness. (Side note: I don't know, and can't possibly judge, the part mental health plays in our spiritual lives but I ache for those who are unable to trust their own thoughts. My prayers go out to those who suffer from that particularly heart-wrenching struggle. Someday all will be made right and we will understand the reason for our own specific trials.) 

This is a fabulous talk for all those who are seekers at heart. I have shared some of my favorite parts to remember and hopefully inspire anyone who questions. I am weak and simple but I want to bear witness of the reality of Jesus Christ's eternal plan of salvation for all of us. 

SHERI DEW -  http://www.byui.edu/devotionals/sheri-dew

Questions can either make you seek for truth 

or justify drifting from truth.

The Lord loves inspired questions asked in faith because they lead to knowledge, to revelation, and to greater faith.  

Champion wrestlers tell me that it isn't necessarily the strongest wrestler who wins. It is the wrestler who knows how to leverage his strength to overpower his opponent. Spiritual wrestling leverages the strength of true doctrine to overpower our weaknesses, our wavering faith, and our lack of knowledge. Spiritual wrestlers are seekers. They are men and women of faith who want to understand more than they presently do and who are serious about increasing the light and knowledge in their lives.  

Keep an eternal perspective

There have always been and will always be charismatic men and women who can launch what sound like, on the surface, reasoned arguments against the Father and the Son, the Restoration, the Prophet Joseph, the Book of Mormon, and living prophets. But doubters and pundits never tell the whole story, because they don't know the whole story-and don't want to know. They opt for clever sound bites, hoping no one digs deeper than they have.

Sound bites will never lead to a testimony. As seekers of truth, our safety lies in asking the right questions, in faith, and of the right sources-meaning those who only speak truth: such as the scriptures, prophets, and the Lord through the Holy Ghost.    

Questioning vs. Doubt

Questions are not just good, they are vital, because the ensuing spiritual wrestle leads to answers, to knowledge, and to revelation. And it also leads to greater faith. 

Men and women of faith are expected to have faith. While the Lord will reveal many things to us, He has never told His covenant people everything about everything. We are admonished to "doubt not, but be believing. But "doubting not" does not mean understanding everything.            

Doubting is not synonymous with having questions. To doubt is to reject truth and faith. As covenant sons and daughters, we are required to have faith, live by faith, "ask in faith, nothing wavering," and "overcome by faith." Learning by faith is as crucial as learning by study, because there are some things we cannot learn from a book.            

Questions are an invitation for you to grow spiritually

Thus, once the Spirit has borne witness to you that God is our Father and Jesus is the Christ, that Joseph Smith was a prophet called to restore the gospel, and that we are led by a prophet today, then you know the gospel is true because the Spirit has borne witness of the foundational truths that comprise a testimony. You have a testimony!

At that point, when questions arise or when blessings you've been pleading for remain unfulfilled, they are not an indication that you don't have a testimony or that the gospel isn't true. They are an invitation for you to grow spiritually.   

I repeat, once you have received a spiritual witness of the truths that form a testimony, even your thorniest questions about our doctrine, history, positions on sensitive issues, or the aching desires of your hearts, are about personal growth. They are opportunities for you to receive personal revelation and increase your faith.    

We don't have to have answers to every question in order to receive a witness, bear witness, and stand as a witness.            

But questions, especially the tough ones, propel us to engage in a spiritual wrestle so that the Lord can lead us along. Without plain old spiritual work, even God can't make us grow-or at least, He won't.           

It is worth engaging in a spiritual wrestle to learn to receive personal revelation, because we can only know what is true when the Spirit bears witness to our hearts and minds as only the Holy Ghost can. Revelation must include both, because intellect alone cannot produce a testimony. You cannot think your way to conversion, because you cannot convince your mind of something your heart does not feel.

Read the scriptures and stay as pure as you can

Seekers have certain habits that are key to learning to communicate with God. For starters, they engage in the wrestle, meaning they work at it. They immerse themselves regularly in the scriptures, because the scriptures are the textbook for the Lord's language. They also work to be increasingly pure-pure in their heart and thoughts, pure in what they say, watch, read, and listen to. Purity invites the Spirit. And then, pure seekers listen. 

I invite you to decide today that you will pay the price to wrestle with difficult questions, to become lifetime seekers of truth, to learn to speak the Lord's language, and to receive a witness of Jesus Christ and the Restoration of His gospel.            

If you will, you'll have the privilege of helping prepare the earth for His return. You'll be able to defend the faith because of your ever-increasing faith.               

The Savior is going to come again. May we stand for Him and with Him

Click here to see the whole talk --->  Sheri Dew - Are You Willing to Engage in the Wrestle?

Doing Good

Sister Fisher and Deem

Reading melanoma survivor blogs today... surprisingly few to read... or maybe not surprisingly if you consider the eventual outcome of every stage 4 melanoma patient. So... sometimes I really appreciate having an obvious direct experience to show I still have purpose and I want to share it. 

THREE YEAR melanoma survivor from first diagnosis. Two surgeries and 10 months of immunothrapy later I am a ONE year survivor of stage 4 metastatic melanoma. At this point in time I am relying only my own immune system to find and attack melanoma. I am taking steroids to halt the side effects from the immunotherapy for another three weeks and enjoying feeling pretty good.

Jesus went about doing good. 

(Acts 10:38)

I had been out and about for hours, running through a list of errands with one after another unavoidable delay. I was tired and anxious to get home as I drove down Main Street just before 9 pm one night last week. The sight of two girls striding purposefully down the sidewalk in the growing dusk caught my eyes. I recognized the sister missionaries, still miles from their home and debated for just a second whether to stop and offer them a ride. 

Guilt raced through my heart, "Girl, you pray for opportunities to serve every day, don't you dare miss this one." I turned the car around, leaning my head out the window to see if they wanted a ride home. Sister Friendly called out, "Oh YES! We were JUST praying someone would stop and offer us a ride!"

It felt SO GOOD to know that through those seemingly frustrating delays, Heavenly Father had placed me right where I could help serve his precious missionaries. I was SO GLAD that I stopped to help them and have the opportunity to tell them how miraculous it was that I was led right to them in their moment of need. I was grateful I could bear testimony that Heavenly Father was aware of their needs. It feels GREAT to be the answer to someone's prayers!

I have no idea how long I will feel good when the steroid treatment is over or how long it will be before melanoma spreads again. I just don't know SO MANY THINGS! But I do know that Heavenly Father is aware of all of us and directing our lives in a way that we can learn all we need to learn and become worthy to live with Him forever. I pray that anything I need to endure I will be able to endure with dignity and courage and continue "doing good."