Find Rest

Today I just want to thank my Heavenly Father for the amazing body He's given me to travel through mortality with! It's incredible! Tumors the size of ping pong balls growing in my neck, left arm and leg are clearly visible. They don't bother me as much as my right hand, swollen with edema and constantly tingling with neuropathy does. Although the latest scans show multiple tumors, ranging in size from peas to plums throughout my organs and soft tissue, the King of causing pain is the throbbing tumor in my right hip. Mercifully, the doctor is able to mitigate the pain and help me "find rest" with stronger meds.  Assuring me there is no limit to how high we can go, he confesses that he is shocked and surprised that I am still mentally clear thinking and coherent at the present dosage. Fortunately, I can still care for my physical needs, allowing me to having hospice at home and be cared for by my sisters and children. I'm also grateful for wheelchairs and walkers and drivers as I navigate the world of disabilities. I've learned that everyone is so kind.

In spite of my body's amazing ability to recover and adapt to pain, the laws of nature irrevocably decree that some day I will finally slip through death's door and this trial will end.  Most will say, "Oh, I'm so happy for her!" and some will even say, "Well, it's about time!" ...but I can tell you that NO ONE will feel more grateful that the roller coaster of suffering is over than I will. I'm so grateful for the knowledge that even though my spirit and body will be separated for a time, because of Jesus Christ and the Atonement, they will be reunited in a celestial, immortal being that I will consider the biggest blessing and miracle of all. 

My prayers are full of gratitude for the wonderful time I've had with family and friends. Last President's Day we were ALL here and had the opportunity to take a complete (for now, March 2018) family picture.

I ask for heaven's blessings for all those who pray for me and those who are struggling with problems and those who lead the nations and those who lead our church and those who lead children. I NEVER pray that my life will be extended and yet still... here I am?!?! Another Easter celebrated with family! Sing Hallelujah! I love this version by Kenneth Cope...

 Click here to listen to Hallelujah by Kenneth Cope

When I'm SO tired of riding this roller coaster 
I like to listen to Find Rest

Put your HOPE in God.

Click here to listen to "Find Rest" by Francesca Battistelli"

Francesca Battistelli


Find Rest Lyrics

He never sleeps, He never slumbers
He's been awake at every hour
No tear catches Him by surprise
He's never lost, He never runs out
He never lives in the shadows of doubt
No fear catches Him by surprise

[Chorus:]
Find rest my soul
Put your hope in God
Put your hope, put your hope in God

He always is, He always will be
He always has been everything I need
How can this be catching me by surprise
He's ever strong, He's ever faithful
His love is real, now nothing is impossible
'Cause nothing catches Him by surprise

[Chorus]

I close my eyes, and I can see
The arms of mercy holding me
I close my eyes, and I can see
The arms of Jesus holding me

[Chorus]

Put your hope in God
Put your hope in God

Rendezvous with Destiny - June 6th

Family Photo of "Les Braves" at Omaha Beach in Normandy - Memorial Day 2017

I created this sculpture to honour the courage of these men:
Sons, husbands and fathers, who endangered and often sacrificed their lives in the hope of freeing the French people. - Anilore Banon

     Since the surgery in February to replace the tumor-filled vertebrae with a ceramic cage, plates and screws I have slowly but steadily recovered. There were days I wondered which direction I was going and should I give up the fight... but it never seemed like a good day to give up so I kept going. 

     This led to us planning another trip, this time to France. We were on the Normandy Beaches on Memorial Day. What an amazing place. We were overwhelmed with the courage shown and sacrifice given by these young men. Each person, doing their part, mattered. I just wanted to share my gratitude on this June 6th for their example on June 6th 1944, 73 years ago. Thank you for your gift to freedom's cause.

     Because of melanoma, I cannot see the future and do not know my rendezvous with destiny. I cannot know my path.  I don't know how many good days I will have so I enjoy every one with my sweet family and friends. This quote stood out in my mind as I contemplate the similarities between myself and those courageous soldiers leaving the boats to take the beach.

“We do not know or seek what our fate will be. We ask only this, that if die we must, that we die as men would die, without complaining, without pleading and safe in the feeling that we have done our best for what we believed was right.”

“Oh Lord, protect our loved ones and be near us in the fire ahead and with us now as we pray to you.”

All were silent for two minutes as the men were left, each with his individual thoughts. Then the Colonel ordered, “Move out.” 

— Lt. Col. Robert L. Wolverton, commanding officer of 3rd battalion, 506th PIR.

and destiny took over...

This picture of silhouettes as a memorial to the fallen soldiers helps me visualize just how many lives were lost that day.

https://weather.com/news/news/9000-fallen-soldier-silhouettes-etched-normandy-beach-make-moving-d-day-memorial-pho

I loved this quote which so beautifully states the importance of each person doing their job in World War II. It still applies today as we move forward in our duties and responsibilities. No job is too small or unimportant. 

On 19 August 1942, its first commander, Major General William C. Lee, read out General Order Number 5:^[16]

The 101st Airborne Division, which was activated on 16 August 1942, at Camp Claiborne, Louisiana, has no history, but it has a rendezvous with destiny.

Due to the nature of our armament, and the tactics in which we shall perfect ourselves, we shall be called upon to carry out operations of far-reaching military importance and we shall habitually go into action when the need is immediate and extreme. Let me call your attention to the fact that our badge is the great American eagle. This is a fitting emblem for a division that will crush its enemies by falling upon them like a thunderbolt from the skies.

The history we shall make, the record of high achievement we hope to write in the annals of the American Army and the American people, depends wholly and completely on the men of this division. Each individual, each officer and each enlisted man, must therefore regard himself as a necessary part of a complex and powerful instrument for the overcoming of the enemies of the nation. Each, in his own job, must realize that he is not only a means, but an indispensable means for obtaining the goal of victory. It is, therefore, not too much to say that the future itself, in whose molding we expect to have our share, is in the hands of the soldiers of the 101st Airborne Division."

I Stand All Amazed

Photo Credit: Raquel Williams Lonas

Looking through old family pictures, I'm amused at how much better I look in my younger pictures than I thought I did at the time. This is a picture my sister, Raquel, took of me three years ago. Little did we know our hilarious joking about it being my obituary photo would come true! Although it's pretty realistic with scars and wrinkles showing, I only wish I could look this good now that I have chipmunk steroid cheeks and very thin, totally grey hair. Other side effects puzzle me as well. I never know the reason behind numbness, or cramping, or why fatigue washes over me at random times. The interesting thing is I have friends who have every symptom I have and they don't have cancer. It's a mystery... 

My immune system is fabulous though and is keeping the tumors I have from growing and not allowing any new ones to form. I'm so proud of it! I'm so incredibly grateful for those prayers that are offered on my behalf and modern medicine.

Ultimately, I put my hope and trust in God that whatever the outcome is I will be able to endure whatever I need to endure and learn whatever I need to learn. The last time I went to the temple and randomly opened the book, the scripture for me was D&C 99:8

"Otherwise, thou shalt continue proclaiming my gospel 

until thou shalt be taken. Amen"

It couldn't be more clear what I am to do with my time and so I obediently proclaim: 

Repentance is the gift Christ has given all of us and we can use it every day. We can know of His love for us by the sacrifice He so freely gave. The unfathomable depth of that love we can only know once we are in His presence again. Although the process to pass into His presence again might be painful, and possibly long, I trust and fully believe we will live in light and love with those we hold most dear for the rest of eternity. 

Jesus Christ is our Redeemer and I STAND ALL AMAZED at the love He has for all of us!

Click here to watch I Stand All Amazed (5 min)

Warning: Graphic images in the first minute.